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HOUN: Hi there! I'm Calhoun, fourth-generation Texan and a proud board member of this Texas Tourism council. We've been deprived of our liberties - locked up for a while now in these plague times. Liberty-lovers are naturally itching to travel again.
DIRECTOR: Uh, Houn? Let's avoid words like..."liberty". Kinda partisan these days. We want potential visitors to 'feel the warmth'.
HOUN: Good thinking.
DIRECTOR: Maybe? "Thinking."
HOUN: But this here's Texas.
DIRECTOR: Yeah, but...ya don't...you don't twang. Why we chose you for official Tourism Spokesguy. The critical-race folk would hear that accent and say it 'regionalized' you...somehow. Might maybe mark 'class' too. Stick with what they call Standard English. Keep your tonality bland and thereby throw em off our trail. We don't want to alienate Vermont.
HOUN: We don't? But their senator is Sanders.
DIRECTOR: And their tourism dollars are Andrew Jackson. Take two...
HOUN: Hi there! I'm Calhoun, fourth-generation Texan and a proud board member of this Texas Tourism council. Texas welcomes you home. You and the whole family. 'Specially fetuses. Not keen though on the "tired, huddled masses yearning to" seek asylum. Like that half-Caribbean Vice Lady says, "Don't come."
DIRECTOR: Best to leave out any mention there - that half-breed part. Could lose the whole South.
HOUN: You're a sharp one.
DIRECTOR: Take three...
HOUN: Some...will feel right at home here. Cause in Texas? We may make voting hard as hell but when it comes to litigation? Our big sky's the limit! Those Vegas 'spreads' have got nuttin on us. Dig into our Texas-size buffet...of litigation. Oh...I said "nuttin". Should we go back?
DIRECTOR: I think we'll leave it. Felt kind folksy. 'Homespun' shouldn't raise flags. We want a balance to entice. Sounding too stuffy might defeat our purpose. I'll cut/paste. Don't start from the beginning. "Buffet..." Take four...
HOUN: Texas-size buffet...of litigation. Sue women. Sue their doctors. Sue the Lyft driver to their doctors. Sue their confidants who should have sued 'em too...
[DIRECTOR's thumbs up]
HOUN: ...Sued 'em too cause they must've known. Sue CVS cause they foil our strategy by selling those pesky pregnancy tests that might signal those women - with only pitch-perfect cycles - before six weeks. Here in Texas, you can look forward to suing til to your heart's content. You'll sue so much, you won't even notice you've been barred from voting polls.
[DIRECTOR's smile broadens - hand motioning for more]
HOUN: For your next vacation, why go all the way to Commiefornia with their green-slushy Muslim 'fasts'? Oops. That might put off the West Coast.
DIRECTOR: Keep that in too though. Them? We need to discourage. Between their cost of living crisis and all those fires, they're fleeing the Golden State and settling here. Bringing along their dang veganism. Could turn Texas blue or at least purple. Offend away. Take five...
HOUN: Here in the Lone Star State, we like big, meaty appetites. Everything big. Best way to work up a Texas appetite might be what's now called voluntourism: as a vigilante on the border to assist ICE. Or consider our latest sport gaining in popularity over night: slave patrol reenactment. We supply everything: horses, whips, but especially the free-wheeling vestiges of state-sponsored supremacy.
Til our next 'post', feast upon produce in season...
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